What have I been doing this past months

The answer is short and simple: paperwork! :-(

Changing my Brazilian visa and having everything sorted out hasn't been easy at all ... and it hasn't been a 100% success unfortunately. When going through a paperwork process that involves different countries and different organization bodies you can find some (or all, if you are as lucky as me!) of the following problems:

• First of all lack of clarity on how things work. You talk to someone on the phone (if you are lucky enough to get hold of someone) and tells you one thing, the very next day you go in person and you get a completely different answer ... ok, fair enough: the process changes at random depending on the person and the day ... why not? It makes perfect sense.
  
  Another variation on the lack of clarity is when you call and they don't tell you everything you need to know unless you ask specifically. For example: "To get this paper you need to go in person to the ministry of whatever." Full stop. You start planning the trip and seeing it is really expensive and almost impossible to sort out you call again and ask: "But, cannot I do this by post, even if it takes longer? Is there any other method?" "Of course, you can post it or go to any of the regional delegations" ... Why on hearth didn't you say so on the first place then?!?
  
  Or even better when you go in person, ask what sort of paper you need to proof whatever needs proving. You get an answer. You get the paper. You go back again, speak to the very same person and he tells you that unfortunately that paper is not valid. WTF?!?!?


• Second problem you can get is plain incompetence. Imagine that there is one single person in charge of doing one of the steps. If that is your only job you should know everything from the inside out of how things work. Specially if there is a well known loophole everybody is taking advantage off. And even more when they have changed the legislation on the previous two months to close it! ... well you must be guessing already that the person didn't have a clue the loophole was closed giving advice that was completely wrong ... and a bit illegal at that time ...


• Third problem, and worst of all, is having one of the civil servants blatantly lying. Specially when that person works for the Policia Federal "helping" the foreigners sorting out their visa paperwork. I am not a psychologist but I guess that this white bearded person must have had some sort of trauma on his long gone youth and now enjoys abusing of his powers on helpless foreigners. The most despicable thing is that he does not act on the open, that would take way too much courage, but hidden behind a riddle of lies, making some of the important papers go missing mysteriously and secretly stamping your passport without telling you.
  
  And what did he gain with all that?!? Nothing! Did me and the others loose anything? No, just some time and we had to activate the "plan B".
  
  So, as a person he is an asshole ... and as a master criminal he sucks! :-D

And these are only some of the joys of living abroad ... keep tuned!

Brazilian phone etiquette

It is a fact that each country has its own particular way of answering the phone and you are meant to take it just like yet another cultural difference ... but the Brazilian way is ... well, it can be a bit annoying!

Now imagine the following real situation:
You are happily slept doing your siesta, one of the most sacred moments of the day for a Spanish person, and all of a sudden there is an annoying ringing noise that wakes you up! :-(

[me thinking]

Ok, what the hell is that freakin' noise?!? Ah, the freakin' phone! ... Who is it going to be? ... Oh! ... having in mind that in Europe is evening probably one of my friends! :-)

Half slept I struggle to quickly get the phone without killing myself in the process.

[me]

- Alô (note the perfect Brazilian accent!)

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

What the f**k?!? ... You are the one calling: tell me if I am wrong but the person making the phone call should know who they are calling to? ... no?

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

Why do you want to know my name? Were you feeling bored and you said: I feel like talking to someone called John today. Let's call all numbers at random asking for the person's name until I find one!

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

For God's sake, at least tell me who you are and who you are looking for!!!!

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

I cannot take it any more!

[me]

- I am Ivan, Ivan Reyné.

[unknown brazilian person]

- Oh, what a shame, sorry. CLINGS

[me thinking]

Have you hang up on me already?!? ...

[phone]

tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

[me thinking]

... Yes, you have! ... BASTARD! And without telling who you were looking for or even your name!
Wasn't my name good enough for a bit of a chat? Wasn't my voice nice enough for a bit of a conversation?
... I need to know your freakin' name for the traditional Spanish curse ritual for waking me up of the siesta for nothing!! Aaaaaaaaargh!!

UK vs Brazil: Dogs

One of the things I have noticed after living in the UK for some years and Brazil for a few months is that there is a clear difference in the breed of dogs people tend to own. In the UK there is an abundance of "lean, mean, killing machine" type of dogs whilst in contrast here in Brazil they tend to go for the "small, fun, cute" type.


They say that dogs tell a lot about their owners ... and I believe it is true!

Things you don't learn by just going a week on holidays

Did you know that the Brazilian bus drivers wait for you if they see you running to catch their buses? And, believe it or not, these 10 extra seconds don't add any delay to the overall bus timetable. The only thing they add is a big smile in people's faces and contribute to a better mood when going to work.

So, could you, freaking London bus drivers, take good note of that! Thank you ...

Brazilian disguise

Anybody going to live in a different country has the problem of looking a bit out of place.
At the beginning it is because you are marvelled for everything you see: "Oh, a weird bird ... oh, a strange tree ... oh, a dodgy vagrant, ..."
You look lost even with a map: "Excuse me, could you tell me where is the north?"
And you get into the wrong toilets: "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"

But once you have a bit of practise and you don't do all these sort of things how come the locals can still tell you are a foreigner with a quick glimpse?
(In some countries you cannot do much about it because it depends on your racial background, but not here in Brazil, specially in the south, as they have people descending from absolutely everywhere in the world)

So what is the trick?
Let me present you: THE HAVAIANAS! Yes, with this footwear (and as long as you don't open your mouth) you are going to fool even the customs police.

And the best thing is that these kind of flip-flops have many different uses ... they are like a Swish army knife, Brazilian style ... more on that topic in the future! :-)

The difference between Brazil and the UK is ... 39!

Quite a lot of people have been asking me what is the difference between Brazil and the UK and I didn't really know what to say ... well, I finally have the answer: the difference is 39!

Unlike Douglas Adams' calculation of the "Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything" (42, btw) I am going to tell you the logic reasoning behind that conclusion! (because I am an engineer and we don't do things at random like writers!)
I haven't been sunbathing or anything but as you can see in the picture by just by walking around the streets I had some of my natural skin colour back. So, if you take this black and white picture, you pick the colour from my neck (Brazil) and subtract the colour from my back (UK) the difference is about 39 (in absolute value and in a 0 to 255 scale, of course! :-P)

Voilà: yet another mystery solved! :-D

Things you don't learn by just going a week on holidays

The traditional "coke" of Brazil is called "guarana" ... same sort of waking you up a bit effects but probably a lot more healthier and with a complete different taste. Most of you have experienced it a bit because "red bull" is based on the same thing but more concentrated.

They have normal coke as well, nobody worries!

Deliveries and things in general

First experience with buying things and having them delivered ... not good, not bad: different!

The first thing to know is that here in Brazil traditionally there is always supposed to be someone at home. Could be because you have some elder/younger member of the family living with you, the empregada, etc. That is good for the delivery companies because they can come round more or less at any time, any day and there is not much problem ... that is unless you are one of the odd people round whose house is empty during the day.
So, don't expect to be able to choose much about the delivery day itself ... even less about the time.

The second thing to know is that a delivery estimate, as the name say, it is an "estimate" in the most strict of senses. Actually you can be pretty sure that nothing is going to arrive that day ... neither the day after ... :-) Get always in touch with the delivery company by phone (a few times) to find out when things are comming for sure.

Actually this pretty much applies to most latin countries ... I should have known better rather than waiting patiently for 13 hours ... :-)

Things you can learn by just going a week on holidays but it takes a couple of months if you are a computer engineer

The other day I discovered that when you are introduced to a girl the correct thing to do are three kisses, two the very least ... and yes, you can start counting when this blog started and you will see it took me about two months to find out: welcome to the exciting life of a computer engineer!

Things you don't learn by just going a week on holidays

At the beginning I thought that I had lost my coordination because of being in the southern hemisphere, but no: the cutlery is slightly smaller in here!
You can see straight away that glasses are a lot smaller, but the most annoying thing are forks being slightly narrower that what I am used to ... and I end up spilling most of the food all over the place every time I eat :-(

The fuse box

Just another post about the electric installations in this flat (... and in general ...). This is the main fuse box: note the amount of insulation tape on it and the amount of live bits of metals you can easily touch with your fingers (not to mention that the protecting door itself is metallic and not earthed at all) ... but it works and there are no reports of thousands of people getting electrocuted every single day.

It may sound strange but it seems that here in Brazil despite not having that many health and safety rules/laws forbidding you touching electric cables ... people don't tend to do it anyway! :-)

The shower

I am sure everyone was wondering if the new flat's shower would be "better" than the one in the hotel ... well ... judge yourself!
The main differences are that this one has some Duck Tape (insulation tape) to connect the electric cables ... so ... it is better "insulated" in that sense! :-)

Note that the bit that hangs down from the shower to the cubicle itself is not an electric cable ... it is a mini directional water sprinkle thingy for feminine hygiene.

New flat

At last I have internet again! So, as promised some pictures on the new flat ... not that you are going to see that much as it is completely empty!
As you can see the decoration is still a bit on the 70s side, but the kitchen is pretty big (for Brazilian standards in that type/size of flats) and is quite spacious ... but not as big as it seems: remember the flat is completely empty!
The location is quite good as well: in front of the Parque da Redenção (Parque Farroupilha), so, close to the centre and I have almost all buses stop in front of my door step ... and I found a place to dance salsa at 2 minutes walking distance :-P

  
  

Finally managed to find a flat!

I am moving from the hotel today ... so I won't have internet for a few days. (internet, phone, tv ... I don't think there is even electricity right now ...)

When I am back on-line I'll post a few pictures and stuff. I Promise!

Mosquitoes!

Zillions of mosquitoes come out every night to suck the blood of anything alive. I think I have lost a couple of gallons already. Dracula: take good note, you amateur!

But if that was just it, I wouldn't mind that much because judging by the vast number of mosquitoes around I haven't really been bitten that much (the picture here is just the tip of the iceberg) ... The annoying bit is that having the entire metre seventy of me fast asleep, lying helpless in bed and not moving ... then why, oh why, do they have to fly past my freaking ear every single time?!?!?!?

I am sure that there is a secret organisation somewhere that trains them specially to annoy and to wake people up at four o'clock in the morning ... so then we are all half slept the entire day and we don't realise of their furtive moves to take over the world ... or maybe it is the coffee producer lobbies that have devised this cunning plan to increase their revenues ... bastards!

Welcome to the adventurous life of a computer engineer

Most of you must be wondering why I haven't updated the blog for about a week ... well, I am a computer engineer: nothing of interest has happened on the past week! :-) I spend most of the day at work talking about such interesting subjects as object oriented programming, dodgy scripts, microelectronics and football (in the later case just listening to the conversations as I don't really care much about football). At night when I arrive at the hotel (note that I haven't said anything about having find a place of my own yet) I try to learn Portuguese by watching such interesting TV programs as debates about if being a transsexual is a illness or not ... about the police handling of an hostage taking situation that ended up with the victims shot (one died later on), or my favourite one: haunted houses ... probably no the best thing to see before going to bed ... :-)

The only "interesting" thing that has happened to me recently is putting my bank card in probably the only cash machine that was eating them at the time in the entire country (and is not that small) ... on a Friday afternoon :-( ... oh well: yet another weekend without drink, drugs and prostitutes ... :-D

Things you don't learn by just going a week on holidays

Did you know that on bars and restaurants the typical four seasoning recipients contain: oil, vinegar, salt ... and toothpicks!?!? No pepper at all.

Another day, another little step forward

I finally have a bank account! :-) After two weeks of arriving and it was extremely quick because I had an awful lot of help with all the paperwork.

So now I can access my money again ... oh no, wait a second: the card is going to take more than two weeks to arrive because there is a bank strike going on.
Oh, well, I can always go to the counter to withdraw fund ... if I manage to find a branch not affected by the strike that is ... mmmmmm ...

I need a beer! >:-(

Things you don't learn by just going a week on holidays

Here you can see a typical pack of feijões you can find here in Porto Alegre. Feijões are the tasty beans Brazilians use absolutely everywhere when cooking.

On its right it says "Indústria Brasileira" so: made in Brazil itself, somewhere in the same state of Rio Grande do Sul.

And they are proud of them as on the left they have this nice heart with the colours of the flag of the state with the emblem "Marca da nossa gente": the brand of our people.

Then, in the middle, you can see this two typical smiley Brazilian people with their two typical traditional dresses and their two typical ancient Brazilian names ...

Bureaucracy

Sorry but I was wrong in the previous post: the medical exam was not to rent a flat ... I think ... Well, actually I am not entirely sure what that was for :-)
Anyway, just a quick picture of some of the paperwork I have managed to do up to now ... and there is quite a lot more still to do ...