Amazing Memory

I have got a friend that is really worried about the effect drinking alcohol has on neurones and memory. For example, the day after a after a light night out he would start asking:

- What did I do between two thirty and two forty five? What did I do?!?
  I remember getting in the club and going to the dance floor and then ...
  nothing until that joke you told about Gianna Michaels and the dwarf.
  WHAT DID I DO?!?!?
- Nooooooothing, you didn't do anything worth mentioning at all, probably
  just queueing for fifteen freakin' minutes to get a freakin' drink 
  because it was freakin' packed.

The point (that he doesn't seem to get) is that you don't have to remember every single second of your day. For example, I don't remember what I had for breakfast ... actually, did I have breakfast at all today? ... I am serious! And I haven't been drinking ... yet. Anyway, people don't have to have an exact recollection of every single action they do during the day; why should it be different by night, independently of how many beers you have drunk? You only remember what it is worth remembering ... I bet that, in my friend's case, if the waitress had had the "attributes" of Gianna Michaels he would definitely remember those fifteen minutes of his life as he has a bit of a fetish for ... hmmm ... anyway ...

Now, having said all that, it is true that during and after a really serious drinking session your memory of the real facts is somehow compromised ... My theory is that copious amounts of alcohol in your blood and brain don't really affect your memory as such but that make you change the scale of what is worth remembering and what not.
For example: Why should I remember the name of what I am drinking if the waiter already knows it and I get another one just by pointing at my empty glass?, Why should I remember the name of the band that is playing if they are awful, their pants are suspiciously tight and they started to play four hours late? Gun's and what? or Why should I remember the name of this girl if I am already way past second base? ... :-P

And, to illustrate my point a real story that happened to me a few weeks ago. One night I went out to a club with a friend and a couple of her work colleagues. One of the work colleagues, a girl, was sooooo drunk that it seemed she could barely stand up ... but, actually, she had quite a lot of practise at drinking like a fish, so that was a normal (even a slow) day for her.

My first conversation with her went, more or less, like this:

[her] - Hi, who are you?
[me]  - I am a friend of your work colleague.
[her] - Ah, ok, what is your name?
[me]  - Ivan.
[her] - Where are your from?
[me]  - I haven't been there recently but I have Spanish passport,
        so I guess I am from there.
[her] - And what are you doing here in Brazil?
[me]  - I came for work but it all went pear shaped, so now I am
        just trying to conquer the World with an army of zombies
        and also selling nuclear weapons on the Internet ... the
        usual.
[her] - What is this you are drinking? It looks quite nice.
[me]  - They call it a "torito", it seems it is like a "mojito" but
        rather than rum they have done it with Osborne brandy, which
        is a Spanish brand of brandy famous for having a bull ("toro"
        in Spanish) as a symbol, hence, I guess, the name of
        "torito". And, by the way, you are drinking exactly the same
        and I was the one that ordered it for you!

(and so on)

Then she went God knows where and God knows what for and came back after a while. As I was speaking with her work colleague, my friend, she came to me and the second conversation went more or less like this:

[her] - Hi, who are you?
[me]  - I am a friend of your work colleague.
[her] - Ah, ok, what is your name?
[me]  - Ivan.
[her] - Where are your from?
[me]  - I haven't been there recently but I have Spanish passport,
        so I guess I am from there.
[her] - And what are you doing here in Brazil?
[me]  - I came for work but it all went pear shaped, so now I am
        just trying to conquer the World with an army of zombies
        and also selling nuclear weapons on the Internet ... the
        usual.
[her] - What is this you are drinking? It looks quite nice.
[me]  - They call it a "torito", it seems it is like a "mojito" but
        rather than rum they have done it with Osborne brandy, which
        is a Spanish brand of brandy famous for having a bull ("toro"
        in Spanish) as a symbol, hence, I guess, the name of
        "torito". And, by the way, you are drinking exactly the same
        and I was the one that ordered it for you!

(and so on)

Then she disappeared again for a while and when she came back, she looked at me as if she had never seen me before and, guess what, our third conversation went more or less like this:

[her] - Hi, who are you?
[me]  - I am a friend of your work colleague.
[her] - Ah, ok, what is your name?
[me]  - Ivan.
[her] - Where are your from?
        ...

ok, you can imagine the rest ... if not, just go back a few lines!

And that, believe it or not, happened eight times! I had exactly the same conversation with her eight freakin' times. I was counting them because after the third I couldn't believe it myself. Eight! And the fifth and sixth were non-stop. Incredible, after the last question she just went back to square one without even blinking!

And you must be thinking, how does that prove my previous point that alcohol rather than affect the memory as such just affects what is worth remembering? Well, during the sixth conversation at some point they started to play samba music at the club. Some people around started to dance a bit, despite of the lack of space because the place was packed, and she asked me if I knew how to dance. Actually I do, I have done a few years of salsa and here in Brazil I decided that "when in Rome" ... do learn samba.
But one of the things all these years of dancing have taught me is that if you are in a fully packed place, with a girl that can barely stand up and in the middle of the route to the toilets: don't even think of dancing. So, after having previously seen the stubbornness of that girl regarding letting go a drink that was looking pretty disgusting I decided to tell her a bit of a "white lie" and to say that I didn't know how to dance at all. Besides, having in mind that she already asked my name six times I though that she wouldn't have the tiniest recollection about that particular part of the conversation ... wishful thinking!

After having yet again the very same conversation with her a couple more times (but without the dancing question, so I thought I was safe) she disappeared again and, as they were still playing some samba at the club, my friend asked for a dance and we started doing what we could in the tiny amount of space available. Then, all of a sudden I hear:

[her] - YOOOOOOU, LIIIIIIIIIIAR!!

I turn around and I see her, dancing with the other work colleague (that had a terrified look in his face whilst trying to maintain her in the vertical plane), pointing at me and shouting that I lied to her when I said that I didn't know how to dance. Note also that she was shouting "you" not "Ivan". Actually I am quite amazed that she even recognized me! So ... having in mind that she asked for my name eight times and that she only asked once if I danced ... hence prove that you only remember what you find important at the time, regardless of the amount of alcohol in your brain.
In this case for some reason for her knowing if I knew how to dance was a lot more important than remembering my name, where I was from, what I was doing in Brazil or what she was drinking herself. If alcohol affected memories the same way she wouldn't have had any recollection of my dancing skills the same way she had no recollection of any other information about me.

So, apart from confirming that what you remember on a night out (or on a normal day) does not depend in any shape or form on alcohol (or any other funny substances) you take, another important lesson I learned is that girls are like a living lie detector but worst ... and they can scream quite loud.

So, from now on, no more white lies. Girls, note that down: never ever ask me again about those four pounds you took whilst on holidays! ... You have been warned! :-P

Computer Engineers vs Artists

There is people that say that Computer Science is more of an "art" than an actual "science". I really never gave it any thought until recently when I was reading a post about start-up e-companies that taught bosses how to make the most of the computer freak's weird work patterns and inspiration. Also, a few weeks ago I was "on holidays" in Uruguay and I somehow (beer helps) ended up in the table of the local artists and they were telling stories about their "profession" to a swarm of girls and make me realize that actually that statement about computer science could have some truth behind ... except that the "artists", amazingly, managed to pull a lot more girls ... Let's look at the facts:

Similarities:

• Both composing music and writing computer programs are creative processes so there are times when we are "inspired" and we produce a lot (or something new and amazing) ... and times when we are not "inspired" and we produce shit. I have to say though, that "artists" have the advantage that they don't tend to have a boss nagging them when not inspired.
  


• Some of our best ideas come after/during a night of heavy partying and other people find them crazy ... but then the Internet proves we were right! ... or not ...
  


• We both get paid shit unless we are very, very famous on our own right or we sell our soul to the devil and work for some of the big companies like Microsoft or Simon Cowell.
  


• Dress code is pretty similar and with a bit of an effort I think computer engineers could manage to shower as little as the artists.
  


• Given we earn enough money even the weirdest looking of both of the groups can find a nice looking girlfriend and a group of fans/stalkers on the Internet.
  


• Do you think that artists sometimes make extravagant requests when setting things up to perform on a concert? Don't ever try to make a computer engineer stick to an email software he doesn't fancy (like Lotus Notes!). And always let us change the wallpaper to anything we want because we will do anything it takes to have Princess Leia on the background, no matter how many times we have to edit the "registry" or how many times we have to hack into the network administration properties!
  


• We both have Barbies to our professions! (and the computer engineering one, as seen on the picture, even comes with a "binary pattern" T-shirt ...)
  

Things we, Computer Engineers, should work on:

• When travelling (going to a Comic-Con or so), if we end up running out of money and we have to go back home hitch-hiking, without showering for a week and only with a pack of mouldy chocolate biscuits to eat, we should learn from the "artists" and put a different spin to the story so girls instead of saying "You are a dumb freaking idiot" say "How cool! I wish I was there with you!" instead.
  

Assombrações

In order to practice a bit my Portuguese I have been watching this program about haunted houses they show late night (obvious time slot, isn't it?) on Discovery Channel and to tell the truth I have a few doubts about the spirits that I am going to share with you:

• How come all the paranormal activity always happens at night? What are the spirits doing during the day? Playing football, watching TV?!?!?


• Why are the spirits always trying to scare you off your house? How come you never find spirits that actually want you in there and that bake you cookies for when you arrive from work?


• And how come the spirits tend to mess the place up badly? Aren't they any spirits of cleaning ladies around?


• If you are a spirit powerful enough to throw things at people how come your aim is so bad? For God's sake, you have been around a few hundred years, you could have been practising a bit your aim already!


• Also, in a kitchen there are things far more deadly than dishes ... what about knives? If you can go through the trouble of opening a cabinet and throwing dishes why not slide a drawer and throw the knives and pointy forks?!? HELLLLO!


• Why didn't the native Americans leave a record of their burial places so people don't build house on top of them?


• If rather than a spirit you are a devil and they open one of this "doors" for you to come to the land of the living, how come then you stick around that place just to scare teenagers? Why not wander around taking back as many souls as possible? Why did you come on the first place? Didn't you have a plan? Were you bored or what?


• If you are an entity with no physical body that can cross walls and appear in any room of a house at will, how come you are only bothering one family in a row of terraced houses? Are you afraid that if you go to the neighbours' the police is going to arrest you for trespassing?!?

But, my biggest doubt of all is:

• If you are a male spirit, you can cross walls, change location at will and sneak around undetected, then how come that there are no reports of appearances in any ladies changing rooms?!?!?

Let's face it: you all know that they would be the most haunted places ever ...

What have I been doing this past months

The answer is short and simple: paperwork! :-(

Changing my Brazilian visa and having everything sorted out hasn't been easy at all ... and it hasn't been a 100% success unfortunately. When going through a paperwork process that involves different countries and different organization bodies you can find some (or all, if you are as lucky as me!) of the following problems:

• First of all lack of clarity on how things work. You talk to someone on the phone (if you are lucky enough to get hold of someone) and tells you one thing, the very next day you go in person and you get a completely different answer ... ok, fair enough: the process changes at random depending on the person and the day ... why not? It makes perfect sense.
  
  Another variation on the lack of clarity is when you call and they don't tell you everything you need to know unless you ask specifically. For example: "To get this paper you need to go in person to the ministry of whatever." Full stop. You start planning the trip and seeing it is really expensive and almost impossible to sort out you call again and ask: "But, cannot I do this by post, even if it takes longer? Is there any other method?" "Of course, you can post it or go to any of the regional delegations" ... Why on hearth didn't you say so on the first place then?!?
  
  Or even better when you go in person, ask what sort of paper you need to proof whatever needs proving. You get an answer. You get the paper. You go back again, speak to the very same person and he tells you that unfortunately that paper is not valid. WTF?!?!?


• Second problem you can get is plain incompetence. Imagine that there is one single person in charge of doing one of the steps. If that is your only job you should know everything from the inside out of how things work. Specially if there is a well known loophole everybody is taking advantage off. And even more when they have changed the legislation on the previous two months to close it! ... well you must be guessing already that the person didn't have a clue the loophole was closed giving advice that was completely wrong ... and a bit illegal at that time ...


• Third problem, and worst of all, is having one of the civil servants blatantly lying. Specially when that person works for the Policia Federal "helping" the foreigners sorting out their visa paperwork. I am not a psychologist but I guess that this white bearded person must have had some sort of trauma on his long gone youth and now enjoys abusing of his powers on helpless foreigners. The most despicable thing is that he does not act on the open, that would take way too much courage, but hidden behind a riddle of lies, making some of the important papers go missing mysteriously and secretly stamping your passport without telling you.
  
  And what did he gain with all that?!? Nothing! Did me and the others loose anything? No, just some time and we had to activate the "plan B".
  
  So, as a person he is an asshole ... and as a master criminal he sucks! :-D

And these are only some of the joys of living abroad ... keep tuned!

Paella with onion rings

As I had some good feedback about my previous post about how to do some fried eggs I am going to write about cooking again ... this time though not about what to do but about "cultural differences" and some aberrations I have suffered myself with the paellas.

In case you didn't know/imagine each country has its own cooking traditions and taste. So, when opening a "foreign" restaurant you usually need to adapt a bit the recipes. This can either be because some of the ingredients are impossible to find, because in the new country they don't like a particular condiment, because some of the ingredients taste quite different, …
So you find yourself a few odd things like Indian curry in the UK being a lot milder than the original … rabbits in the UK are better known as pets but in Spain they are a food source ... Italian lasagna being hot as hell in India … Mexican people having to add the entire contents of a chilly oil bottle to their enchiladas … the list is endless!

So, I should know better and when I see a Spanish restaurant run away as if it was cursed. But is not that easy!
First error: You have this kind of nostalgia … or you are with friends that hate you … or friends that think you are going to be extremely happy by eating something that completely falls short of your expectations … anyway, one way or another you always end up going in!
Second error: Ordering your favorite dish!

In my case one of my favorite dishes is the "paella". In theory it is quite simple because it is no more than rice with things. It can be either meat or fish or a mix of the two. So there are a lot of different recipes and ways of cooking but the end result should fall within some pretty standard taste range. Now, I think it is in the human nature not to read the instructions before doing something … and I admit I have done that quite a few times … but if you are a professional cook you should at least take a quick look at the recipes and not just at the picture that goes with it! Because, judging by the range of strange things that is what they tend to do.
In case any cook follows this blog I'll add a quick list of what not to put on a paella:

• Yes, I know that on the picture you had some lemon wedges … they were just an ornament! Don't cook them with the rice!


• And yes, I know that is called "paella Valencia" and that oranges are typical from there … and that if you cook the rice with lemon wedges, why not oranges? Well, don't!


• Olives?!? Cooked?!? Where did you see that?


• Chorizo … with a fish paella … Mt Cook: you should go to the doctor to check those taste buds.


• Onion rings?!? Are you sure that they weren't fried squid rings?!? And still, that is definitely not part of any traditional (or any modern) recipe.


• But most important of all: the yellow color of the paella rice comes from saffron, not from freaking curry species! Mr Canteen's Cook: you don't know how close to death you were that day!

Brazilian phone etiquette

It is a fact that each country has its own particular way of answering the phone and you are meant to take it just like yet another cultural difference ... but the Brazilian way is ... well, it can be a bit annoying!

Now imagine the following real situation:
You are happily slept doing your siesta, one of the most sacred moments of the day for a Spanish person, and all of a sudden there is an annoying ringing noise that wakes you up! :-(

[me thinking]

Ok, what the hell is that freakin' noise?!? Ah, the freakin' phone! ... Who is it going to be? ... Oh! ... having in mind that in Europe is evening probably one of my friends! :-)

Half slept I struggle to quickly get the phone without killing myself in the process.

[me]

- Alô (note the perfect Brazilian accent!)

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

What the f**k?!? ... You are the one calling: tell me if I am wrong but the person making the phone call should know who they are calling to? ... no?

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

Why do you want to know my name? Were you feeling bored and you said: I feel like talking to someone called John today. Let's call all numbers at random asking for the person's name until I find one!

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

For God's sake, at least tell me who you are and who you are looking for!!!!

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

I cannot take it any more!

[me]

- I am Ivan, Ivan Reyné.

[unknown brazilian person]

- Oh, what a shame, sorry. CLINGS

[me thinking]

Have you hang up on me already?!? ...

[phone]

tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

[me thinking]

... Yes, you have! ... BASTARD! And without telling who you were looking for or even your name!
Wasn't my name good enough for a bit of a chat? Wasn't my voice nice enough for a bit of a conversation?
... I need to know your freakin' name for the traditional Spanish curse ritual for waking me up of the siesta for nothing!! Aaaaaaaaargh!!

Deliveries and things in general

First experience with buying things and having them delivered ... not good, not bad: different!

The first thing to know is that here in Brazil traditionally there is always supposed to be someone at home. Could be because you have some elder/younger member of the family living with you, the empregada, etc. That is good for the delivery companies because they can come round more or less at any time, any day and there is not much problem ... that is unless you are one of the odd people round whose house is empty during the day.
So, don't expect to be able to choose much about the delivery day itself ... even less about the time.

The second thing to know is that a delivery estimate, as the name say, it is an "estimate" in the most strict of senses. Actually you can be pretty sure that nothing is going to arrive that day ... neither the day after ... :-) Get always in touch with the delivery company by phone (a few times) to find out when things are comming for sure.

Actually this pretty much applies to most latin countries ... I should have known better rather than waiting patiently for 13 hours ... :-)