Assombrações

In order to practice a bit my Portuguese I have been watching this program about haunted houses they show late night (obvious time slot, isn't it?) on Discovery Channel and to tell the truth I have a few doubts about the spirits that I am going to share with you:

• How come all the paranormal activity always happens at night? What are the spirits doing during the day? Playing football, watching TV?!?!?


• Why are the spirits always trying to scare you off your house? How come you never find spirits that actually want you in there and that bake you cookies for when you arrive from work?


• And how come the spirits tend to mess the place up badly? Aren't they any spirits of cleaning ladies around?


• If you are a spirit powerful enough to throw things at people how come your aim is so bad? For God's sake, you have been around a few hundred years, you could have been practising a bit your aim already!


• Also, in a kitchen there are things far more deadly than dishes ... what about knives? If you can go through the trouble of opening a cabinet and throwing dishes why not slide a drawer and throw the knives and pointy forks?!? HELLLLO!


• Why didn't the native Americans leave a record of their burial places so people don't build house on top of them?


• If rather than a spirit you are a devil and they open one of this "doors" for you to come to the land of the living, how come then you stick around that place just to scare teenagers? Why not wander around taking back as many souls as possible? Why did you come on the first place? Didn't you have a plan? Were you bored or what?


• If you are an entity with no physical body that can cross walls and appear in any room of a house at will, how come you are only bothering one family in a row of terraced houses? Are you afraid that if you go to the neighbours' the police is going to arrest you for trespassing?!?

But, my biggest doubt of all is:

• If you are a male spirit, you can cross walls, change location at will and sneak around undetected, then how come that there are no reports of appearances in any ladies changing rooms?!?!?

Let's face it: you all know that they would be the most haunted places ever ...

What have I been doing this past months

The answer is short and simple: paperwork! :-(

Changing my Brazilian visa and having everything sorted out hasn't been easy at all ... and it hasn't been a 100% success unfortunately. When going through a paperwork process that involves different countries and different organization bodies you can find some (or all, if you are as lucky as me!) of the following problems:

• First of all lack of clarity on how things work. You talk to someone on the phone (if you are lucky enough to get hold of someone) and tells you one thing, the very next day you go in person and you get a completely different answer ... ok, fair enough: the process changes at random depending on the person and the day ... why not? It makes perfect sense.
  
  Another variation on the lack of clarity is when you call and they don't tell you everything you need to know unless you ask specifically. For example: "To get this paper you need to go in person to the ministry of whatever." Full stop. You start planning the trip and seeing it is really expensive and almost impossible to sort out you call again and ask: "But, cannot I do this by post, even if it takes longer? Is there any other method?" "Of course, you can post it or go to any of the regional delegations" ... Why on hearth didn't you say so on the first place then?!?
  
  Or even better when you go in person, ask what sort of paper you need to proof whatever needs proving. You get an answer. You get the paper. You go back again, speak to the very same person and he tells you that unfortunately that paper is not valid. WTF?!?!?


• Second problem you can get is plain incompetence. Imagine that there is one single person in charge of doing one of the steps. If that is your only job you should know everything from the inside out of how things work. Specially if there is a well known loophole everybody is taking advantage off. And even more when they have changed the legislation on the previous two months to close it! ... well you must be guessing already that the person didn't have a clue the loophole was closed giving advice that was completely wrong ... and a bit illegal at that time ...


• Third problem, and worst of all, is having one of the civil servants blatantly lying. Specially when that person works for the Policia Federal "helping" the foreigners sorting out their visa paperwork. I am not a psychologist but I guess that this white bearded person must have had some sort of trauma on his long gone youth and now enjoys abusing of his powers on helpless foreigners. The most despicable thing is that he does not act on the open, that would take way too much courage, but hidden behind a riddle of lies, making some of the important papers go missing mysteriously and secretly stamping your passport without telling you.
  
  And what did he gain with all that?!? Nothing! Did me and the others loose anything? No, just some time and we had to activate the "plan B".
  
  So, as a person he is an asshole ... and as a master criminal he sucks! :-D

And these are only some of the joys of living abroad ... keep tuned!

First game!

People! Yes, I know I have kept quiet for a while ... a couple of weeks I believe. As my last post was about the "party lag" most of you may think I haven't been updating the blog because I was going out day and night with friends ... you are wrong (... mostly ...): I was finishing the test of my first game!



This is a event based card game with the goal of staying single until you are thirty. The game starts when you are twenty being single. Every turn represents half a year of your life and you have to play and event card. Depending on the outcome of the card you get points on four different "attributes" and when one of them reaches 100% you "level up" to the next stage in your relationship. You go from being "single" to "best friends", then to "dating", then "engaged" and finally you get "married" ... the closer you are to the marriage the less points you get added to your total score! :-P

It is available on Facebook: Ditch'em all on Facebook
And also standalone outside: Ditch'em all standalone

Feel free to try it and tell me what do you think ... specially if its is good ... if it is bad I'll simply ignore your opinion! :-P

I have to thank Jenny, a chocolate fondue and a bottle (or maybe two) of champagne as source of inspiration for the game!

Of course, all the events are based on real life experiences ... say no more! :-D

Party lag

They say that when you travel by plane you can be affected by a sleeping disorder called "jet lag". Basically it takes some time for your body to adapt to the new time zone. The average is about 1 day if you travel eastwards and about 1.5 days if you do so westwards.

I think I have a bit of a problem ... I did travel eastwards 10 days ago and I still haven't managed to fall asleep before 5am a single day!
Should I see a doctor? Maybe ... maybe not ...
When he asks if I spend hours no end in bed waiting to fall asleep ... I'll have to say: Noooooooooo! I spend hours no end in bars and restaurants with different friends each night! BASTARDS! This is the real problem of living abroad and coming back home: there is always a friend that hasn't seen you with energy to go out ... or one that has seen you already ... So, if you are nice like me :-P, you can easily spend 10 days in a row "having to" go out ... Then when you can finally escape and go back to wherever you live looking like a zombie people will ask you: "Is it the jet lag?" ... "Jet lag, jet lag, ... Noooooooooo: PARTY LAG!" :-D

Quote

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

Paella with onion rings

As I had some good feedback about my previous post about how to do some fried eggs I am going to write about cooking again ... this time though not about what to do but about "cultural differences" and some aberrations I have suffered myself with the paellas.

In case you didn't know/imagine each country has its own cooking traditions and taste. So, when opening a "foreign" restaurant you usually need to adapt a bit the recipes. This can either be because some of the ingredients are impossible to find, because in the new country they don't like a particular condiment, because some of the ingredients taste quite different, …
So you find yourself a few odd things like Indian curry in the UK being a lot milder than the original … rabbits in the UK are better known as pets but in Spain they are a food source ... Italian lasagna being hot as hell in India … Mexican people having to add the entire contents of a chilly oil bottle to their enchiladas … the list is endless!

So, I should know better and when I see a Spanish restaurant run away as if it was cursed. But is not that easy!
First error: You have this kind of nostalgia … or you are with friends that hate you … or friends that think you are going to be extremely happy by eating something that completely falls short of your expectations … anyway, one way or another you always end up going in!
Second error: Ordering your favorite dish!

In my case one of my favorite dishes is the "paella". In theory it is quite simple because it is no more than rice with things. It can be either meat or fish or a mix of the two. So there are a lot of different recipes and ways of cooking but the end result should fall within some pretty standard taste range. Now, I think it is in the human nature not to read the instructions before doing something … and I admit I have done that quite a few times … but if you are a professional cook you should at least take a quick look at the recipes and not just at the picture that goes with it! Because, judging by the range of strange things that is what they tend to do.
In case any cook follows this blog I'll add a quick list of what not to put on a paella:

• Yes, I know that on the picture you had some lemon wedges … they were just an ornament! Don't cook them with the rice!


• And yes, I know that is called "paella Valencia" and that oranges are typical from there … and that if you cook the rice with lemon wedges, why not oranges? Well, don't!


• Olives?!? Cooked?!? Where did you see that?


• Chorizo … with a fish paella … Mt Cook: you should go to the doctor to check those taste buds.


• Onion rings?!? Are you sure that they weren't fried squid rings?!? And still, that is definitely not part of any traditional (or any modern) recipe.


• But most important of all: the yellow color of the paella rice comes from saffron, not from freaking curry species! Mr Canteen's Cook: you don't know how close to death you were that day!

Quote

We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveller's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrées, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to French-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.
Dave Barry

Quote

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
Probably Winston Churchill

Cooking recipe: fried eggs!

The other day I had a friend around and I was cooking us dinner. All of a sudden she looked puzzled and asked: "why are you doing it like this?" I realized that, as with most things, I cook in a completely different way compared to the rest of the world! So let me share it with you and see what you think.

My cooking style is based in patience! Yes: patience. Basically it takes me about ten minutes to fry an egg!

The normal approach is to have the oil pretty hot, dump the egg in the pan ... and unleash hell with boiling oil splashing all around ... the egg white burnt on the outside but raw on the middle ... and you with third degree burns, stressed out and an anxiety crisis.

Me, on the other hand, I have the hob at the lowest possible mark. The oil is not that hot, you dump the egg ... nothing happens at first. You have all the time in the world to fetch the salt and add any extra seasoning or toppings. And just leave it in there ... patience ... no need to stir, no need to splash the top of the egg with boiling oil, no need to do anything. Just wait! You will see that the egg white starts cooking slowly from underneath until it is all perfectly and homogeneously cooked. The yolk is still going to be raw: the perfect fried egg (if you leave if for too long the worst that can happen is that the yolk is going to cook as well) And no hot oil splashing anywhere.
Voilà: done!

Note that I said you have time to add "extra toppings" apart from salt. From time to time I do what people call "pizza fried eggs". Basically you do like in a pizza and add bacon, cheese, oregano, peperoni, ... whatever you want to the egg white, just after putting the egg into the pan. The ingredients are going to cook slowly and get fused with the egg white. Yummy, yummy! :-)

So, when you have friends around: do you prefer to spend a couple of minutes worrying, burning yourself, making a mess of the kitchen? Or do you prefer spending ten minutes drinking beer and chatting with them? ... I always go for the beer option! :-D

Quote

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Probably Dave Barry

Brazilian phone etiquette

It is a fact that each country has its own particular way of answering the phone and you are meant to take it just like yet another cultural difference ... but the Brazilian way is ... well, it can be a bit annoying!

Now imagine the following real situation:
You are happily slept doing your siesta, one of the most sacred moments of the day for a Spanish person, and all of a sudden there is an annoying ringing noise that wakes you up! :-(

[me thinking]

Ok, what the hell is that freakin' noise?!? Ah, the freakin' phone! ... Who is it going to be? ... Oh! ... having in mind that in Europe is evening probably one of my friends! :-)

Half slept I struggle to quickly get the phone without killing myself in the process.

[me]

- Alô (note the perfect Brazilian accent!)

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

What the f**k?!? ... You are the one calling: tell me if I am wrong but the person making the phone call should know who they are calling to? ... no?

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

Why do you want to know my name? Were you feeling bored and you said: I feel like talking to someone called John today. Let's call all numbers at random asking for the person's name until I find one!

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

For God's sake, at least tell me who you are and who you are looking for!!!!

[unknown brazilian person]

- Who am I talking to?

[me thinking]

I cannot take it any more!

[me]

- I am Ivan, Ivan Reyné.

[unknown brazilian person]

- Oh, what a shame, sorry. CLINGS

[me thinking]

Have you hang up on me already?!? ...

[phone]

tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

[me thinking]

... Yes, you have! ... BASTARD! And without telling who you were looking for or even your name!
Wasn't my name good enough for a bit of a chat? Wasn't my voice nice enough for a bit of a conversation?
... I need to know your freakin' name for the traditional Spanish curse ritual for waking me up of the siesta for nothing!! Aaaaaaaaargh!!

Quote

If you are going through hell, keep going!
Probably Winston Churchill

Toilets!

Most of the time the main problems of living abroad are not the big things like paperwork, visas, renting a flat, liking the food, … but the small little details of your day to day life.
Little things like for example walking on the wrong side of the pavement (people tend to walk the same way they drive). It seems that Jenny has problems opening doors (I admit I do too!). Or getting terribly confused when you meet new people: is it handshake? one kiss? two kisses? … three kisses? … two kisses, a hug and we exchange presents? … HELP!! These are the little things that make you look like an idiot and completely out of place.

My worst nightmare though are the toilets! And I am not talking that they might be dirty or have weird hoses attached for who knows what purposes! I am talking going to a bar or restaurant and being presented with two doors and being like … "oooooook … which is the right one?"

Thanks God for standardisation nowadays in most places you have some variation of the man-woman outlined figure. Good and simple even if you are in a hurry after a few beers you can easily guess properly in no time.
Sometimes there is a bit of a variation, specially if the bar/restaurant has some weird decoration and they decide to alter the standard sign for a man-woman that go with it. In this sense I have seen more detailed drawing with vintage clothes, astronauts, completely naked and quite explicit, … a picture of a chimpanzee and a chimpanzee with a pink dress, … It can take you a bit of extra time but in a second you are able to choose the right door.

Then you have the places where there is no way to guess. For example, in a bar I used to go they had the image of a little angel and another of a virgin … so, everybody was peeing outside! :-D Jokes aside a lot of people had to ask the waiters which was which and if you are in a hurry that is not good!

But the real problems, for me, are the ones where you just have a single freaking letter! Specially if they went for some designer font: "is this an M or a W?" In that case my advice is to wait until you see someone that looks like a local going to the toilet and following him/her! If you cannot wait here I'll list some of the combinations I have seen in my life in case it can be of any help:

• M (men) / W (women)


• M (male) / F (female)


• B (boys) / G (girls)


• B (blokes) / L (ladies)



• H (hombres) / M (mujeres)


• C (caballeros) / S (señoras)



• H (homes) / D (dones)



• C (cavalheiros) / D (damas)


• H (homens) / M (mulheres)

So, men: if you are in a Spanish or Portuguese speaking county don't go for the "M" door or you'll be in trouble!! :-D

Manowar's King

I like a lot of different types of music, from chill out to symphonic metal passing trough salsa and all sorts of weird stuff. And, even though I don't like that much "heavy metal", my favourite band of all time is Manowar: the KINGS OF METAL!

I am not entirely sure which is my favourite song, because I love quite a few ... and with every new album they get better and better :-) But there is one that I always like to hear because it inspires me, gives me energy and, in my opinion, has the best "one-liner" ever:
"For Those Who Never Try They Are Sure To Fail" ... think about it ... think about it :-)

Unfortunately the official video is a kind of live recording in a dodgy studio with some ever dodgier girls around ... and the fake smoke, what is that for?!?
So I like the album version better as voice and instruments have better quality ... and there are no dodgy girls, but, who am I to judge the taste in girls from the KINGS OF METAL:
video clip on youtube


King

Now Is The Time To Reach For The Sky
Gather The Wind Hear The Voice To Fly
To Know Why They Sing About Heroes And Kings
Who Were Brave And Not Afraid To Die
Look And You'll See That A New Day Will Bring
The Will To Go On And Fight Trough Endless Suffering
For All Who Believe Wait A Crown A Ring

The Power Of The Man Who Would Be King
The Power Of The Man Who Would Be King

Into The Fight Of Hopes And Dreams
The Master Of The Wind Knows Nothing's What It Seems
The Melting Of The Soul The Wish Of Those Who Scheme
The Taking Of The Will By Destroyers Of The Dream
They Live To Spread The Fear Of The Wrong Of Right Of Self
They Want Us All To Live Like Books Upon A Shelf
But We Know We Have The Power To Fight And Make A Stand
Strike When We Are Challenged All Across The Land To Be King

Fight For The Crown, Fight For The Ring
We're Fighting The World, We Fight For The King

Time To Face The World Let Brothers Never Fight
Forever Forge Ahead And Keep The Dream In Sight
For Those Who Never Try They Are Sure To Fail
The Heart's A Righteous Wind That Comes To Fill The Sail
For The Glory Of The King We Fight To Stay Alive
By The Power Of The Will, The Spirit To Survive To Be King

Fight For The Crown, Fight For The Ring
We're Fighting The World, We Fight For The King

All Of The Dreams Held Deep Inside Have A Meaning To The Soul
Freedom To Bring A Thought To The Wing Is Waiting To Unfold
For The Crown And The Ring
The Power Of The Men Who Would Be King

Fight For The Crown, Fight For The Ring
We're Fighting The World, We Fight For The King

For The Glory Of The King We Fight To Stay Alive - FIGHT -
By The Power Of The Will The Spirit To Survive - FIGHT -
Across The Gates Of Heaven Beyond The Gates Of Hell - FIGHT -
We Fought To Stay Together
We Have Won And Have Lived To Tell Who Would Be King

Fight For The Crown, Fight For The Ring
We're Fighting The World, We Fight For The King

UK vs Brazil: Dogs

One of the things I have noticed after living in the UK for some years and Brazil for a few months is that there is a clear difference in the breed of dogs people tend to own. In the UK there is an abundance of "lean, mean, killing machine" type of dogs whilst in contrast here in Brazil they tend to go for the "small, fun, cute" type.


They say that dogs tell a lot about their owners ... and I believe it is true!

Quote

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Steven Wright

Did you know Steven Seagal ...

… was the martial arts coordinator in the "Never say never again" James Bond film and broke Sean Connery’s wrist while showing him how to perform a martial arts move?

James Bond is a sissy!

What am I up to?

Good question! I started thinking about the different choices available and there was only one option: to start drinking beer professionally or to get depressed … two options: to start drinking beer professionally , to get depressed or to buy a weapon and then going into a killing spree … three options: to start drinking beer professionally, to get depressed, to buy a weapon and then going into a killing spree or to put all my energies into starting my own little thing developing web based games and stuff … five options … anyway! I went for this last option … even though I was pretty tempted by some of the other ones … choices, choices … :-P

And I have started already: you can see that I am a bit more active with the blog and I also started a web site thingy in www.framiq.com with a bit of a software development experiences blog but that I am also going to use as the place where the games themselves are going to go. Finally let me give you a quick glimpse of what the first game thingy is going to look like:


It is going to be a space exploration themed game, as you can see. This is a pre-alpha screen shoot with temporary graphics and I still haven't optimize it for mobile browsers. So the appearance is likely to change a bit/lot. Also, it is still going to take a couple of months (finger in the air) before I have a version I am happy with … this is just a "prototype" and if one thing I have learned all these years in software development is to never ever rush the deliveries and to never ever send software not properly tested out of the door!

So, be patient … I am! :-)

What happened during this five months?

Quite a few things … and nothing!

As you know I sold every single thing I had in the UK, put the rest of my belongings on a single suitcase and moved to Brazil for this nice job with high hopes and expectation. Well … it didn't really work that well … I found myself in the middle of a mix of economic crisis, company without clear goals, desperation, people with secret agendas and people giving up. So, the high hopes broke and the expectation turned into disbelieve … and I though: "Ups!" :-)
Thanks God (not literally though) mentally I am stronger than Yoda so I put myself together and waited patiently until it was the right time to leave. And that is what I have been up to this time: waiting, doing my numbers, looking at the options … unfortunately I wasn't really on the mood to update the blog that much! :-D

So, recommendation number one: don't ever sell all your things and move to a different continent!
Recommendation number two: think before you act, even if it means delaying the acting and having to put up with thinks you don't like for a while. :-(
Recommendation number three: don't spend a single second more than necessary not being happy! :-)

I am back!

I know I haven't written anything for five months, sorry! As some of you know and the others can imagine they haven't really been the best five months of my life … but I am back!

First thing is that I am going to change a bit the focus of this blog thingy and make it a bit more general, so, not only about Porto Alegre but about my life in general. Yes, quite a lot of people have told me already I should write a book about my life … well: I work/worked with computers so I'll write a blog instead :-P

You know me, you know my style, … it's going to be worth following! :-D

Things you don't learn by just going a week on holidays

Did you know that the Brazilian bus drivers wait for you if they see you running to catch their buses? And, believe it or not, these 10 extra seconds don't add any delay to the overall bus timetable. The only thing they add is a big smile in people's faces and contribute to a better mood when going to work.

So, could you, freaking London bus drivers, take good note of that! Thank you ...